by Rod Amis
YOUR DEVIL - Rod Amis's final post in the July Contagious Festival shares some dangerous visions.
PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. - Ambrose Bierce
27 July 2006: One of my patrons, when I bartended in pre-Katrina New Orleans, claimed I was the best bartender in town because I was a philosopher.
If Bierce's definition is correct, I was surely the best bartender on the planet. My job was to lead people who had come from nowhere into a nothing they would give me ALL of their money to achieve.
I would gladly say, with the best of smiles, "Yes, I want all of your money." That was my job. I know how to be a good whore.
That is why I am faced, at the insistence of some of you Readers, to repudiate my earlier claim and return to this mattress - ehm! - Web site one more time and give you what you want: the high-priced spread.
Which, as you'd imagine, brings a definition to mind.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. - Ambrose BierceThis definition, to my mind, brings to the fore the problem of my predecessor's Dictionary, while clear and clever, Mr. Bierce's definitions do not past the test of time; they don't lend themselves to most modern minds.
Thus, enter Yours Unruly, stepping into the metaphorical breach, to make things more contemporary without disrespecting the master.
[YOU: "Right, right! But when are you going to start being entertaining? I came here because Tyrone said you were snarky and knew a lot of drunk jokes!"
ME: Patience, Fool! You are in MY toy store right now. Keep your hands between your legs; I'm sure you'll find some amusement there until I begin to do my tricks for you.]
For the modern audience, I would define the same word thusly:
COMMERCE, n.: A transaction whereby A, who produces nothing, manages to get B, who has a bit of disposal income, to pay A for C's resources, which A got from C for a minor percentage of what B believes it is worth in order for his family and neighbors to believe that B is a successful member of society. D and E are the clean-up men.
You see? Simple and clear. (Well, okay, other than the fact that I didn't tell you how D and E are compensated or what, exactly, they are cleaning up. In the real world, D is a Wise guy and E is Congressional staffer, but that is another story for another time.)
It was Ambrose Bierce, also known as "Bitter Bierce," who over a century ago set out to show the truth behind the words we casually use. He called his tome The Devil's Dictionary
In admiration of his work, I set myself the task in my youth of updating his "dictionary" to our modern era, in other words, the task of exposing hypocrisy as I saw it.
Join me here, Gentle Reader, as I attempt to provide the new definitions of the words that define our lives
Since I've set myself up in this project for the Huffington Post as the Devil's Advocate, let's go all the way. Why not?
Somebody has to make the case for mean and evil thinking since the Leader of the Free World now has let us all know that, in his gut, he knows he speaks for the Most High, no?
So I gottah say it, if THAT MAN is the best that the Most High can give us, come over to the other side.
He speaks English like I speak Persian.
Not one word that I have ever written - no matter whether you agreed or not - has resulted in a widow or an orphan.
Try this definition:
Democracy, n. : 1. A seasonal carnival celebrated by various world nations during which a collection scoundrels, philanderers and confidence people are paraded before the citizenry, foisted as representatives of the commonweal and its governance, after being hand-picked by commercial interests whose true intent is the production and maintenance of a compliant customer base.
2. A form of government characterized by its efficacy at convincing people who don't care to make their own decisions that they have just done so.
Such clear and simple, if evil, definitions would quickly eliminate the need for high school Civics classes in our nation and put thousands of crones and incompetent bastards out of work - where they justifiably belong, as any former high school student can tell you.
Young people don't leave these unnecessary courses understanding democracy or any other form of political governance philosophy; they leave these courses convinced that politics has nothing to do with life. This is by intent and how our educational system is designed.
Have another:
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. - Ambrose BierceFor the modern audience, I would define the same word thusly:
Education, n.: The process by which creativity is stunted, curiosity eviscerated and consumerism is fostered among our whelps. A process of boring someone so regularly and consistently that they relinquish all hope of ever attaining a valuable and fulfilling means of existence. See also "Mind Control" and "Psychological Torture."
I don't believe that it was accidental that the Maoists used the term "re-education" for what they did to their dissident community.
Or, as Struther Martin's character said to Paul Newman's in the film, "Cool Hand Luke,": "Son, I'm gonnah he'p you get your mind right."
That's the kind of help to which those of us willing to think mean and evil should say, "Thanks, but no thanks."
If you have lived on this blue marble as long as I have (think: since the Jurassic era) you quickly learn two things about words. I shall share those two things with those of you who have not.
- Like the ancient Greeks and Romans, we should recognize that Rhetoric, rather than simply the native language, should be a mandatory course in all of our schools.
- Words are used by nearly all people with a title before their names, and the flaks who are their sycophants, as tools of manipulation and misdirection. By the rest of us they are used as a means of throwing our fates before our feet.
These simple rules of life accepted, how can one not become mean and evil? IF you DON'T spend a few hours every day not being agro, you aren't paying attention.
I say this not because I'm a natural born agitator, though I am, but because any thinking person must find the state of affairs of life as we live it intolerable and in serious need of improvement. Anger is the beginning of making changes.
Change is the only constant, we only nod when we hear this - and then busily go about the business of resisting change. Folly thy name is humanity.
July is nearly over now. This time, I believe I can genuinely claim that this project is at an end.
Perhaps I'll return in one of the coming months.
Until such time:
Good night and good luck.
G21: The World's Magazine
Introduction to The Devil's Dictionary: Thinking Evil
Second Post to The Devil's Dictionary: Showing the Love
Third Post to The Devil's Dictionary: Devil's Night Out
Fourth Post to The Devil's Dictionary: Your Devil
Rod's First Project at the Huffington Post
Rod's Second Project at the Huffington Post
© 2006, Rod Amis.
E-mail your comments to rod@g21.net.
